If you’re having your first conversation with a woman…
Or you’re on your first date with her…
What should you focus on to make sure you get that first date or make it to date #2?
How can you give yourself the best chance of increasing her interest in you vs. crushing it into oblivion?
Well, one of my top students sent me an email this past week about speed dating…
And the tips I shared with him can be applied to any situation where you’re having your first conversion or first date with a woman.
So, I decided to share his question and my answer with you here in this article.
Here’s what he C.J. wrote in:
“Hi Jim,
I hope this email finds you well. Please have my greetings for this new year and I wish you to be more successful than you already are and that you keep helping our community.
I’m writing to you for some advice on speed dating…
I’m going to a private event Thursday next week where we will be 10 guys and 10 girls. It will be 2 rounds of 10 minutes with some animation between the rounds.
I know based on your advice I should not seek for this kind of competing event. However, It will be good to know where I am on a 10 scale.
Do you have any advice, tips to share with me or the community?
Thank you so much.
Best regards,
-C.J.”
And here’s my reply:
Hi C.J.,
Great to hear from you as always…
Here are my suggestions for your event:
First of all, I LOVE that you’re doing a speed dating event…
I think that if we want to meet a woman who is capable of a good relationship, we should be creating profiles on ALL the dating sites we can, doing these events, etc…
When I say not to go out of your way just to meet women, what I mean is that if you hate going to clubs, don’t go to clubs…
Because if you do something you’re not into your vibe is going to be off and your success rate will be lower.
And when you do things you love and meet women along the way, you’re already off to a better start building a good solid relationship with someone you’re compatible with.
Here’s the cool thing about dating events/sites/apps: The women there are interested in dating…
So that’s a better “marketplace” for dating than choosing a random woman on the street who might already be in a relationship or might not be actively dating right now, even if there’s more “competition” as well.
Remember: This only has to work out for us with one woman. So, the more available women who are interested in dating that we meet, the better our chances.
So, my philosophy is this (I think it’s the healthiest):
Do things you genuinely love doing that also involve a lot of women…
Invite others and be social around things YOU enjoy.
Build your own tribe.
When you do that, people introduce women to you, and that’s the best position to be in.
And then beyond that, definitely put up dating profiles and go to dating events.
And be open to meeting the right woman for you ANYWHERE, ANY TIME.
You could meet her at a wedding, randomly at a coffee shop when she spills her coffee on you accidentally, in an elevator, etc.
You never know.
So keep yourself and your shoes clean and keep your clothes wrinkle-free at all times.
And then just don’t go do things you don’t want to do/don’t enjoy just because you might be able to meet a woman there.
Make sense?
Excellent.
For your specific event:
1. If you DO NOT have nametags, use the name test:
Ask her what her name is…then wait and see if she asks yours back.
If she doesn’t, no problem. Don’t volunteer it; just move the conversation forward.
This is a great little tactic to start off with because if she’s interested and/or polite she’ll ask your name back at some point…
And, if she doesn’t, she’s not interested and you can filter her out immediately.
That way we don’t even waste one minute with a woman who isn’t interested. <==This is a pro tip that you will eventually see is very accurate if you apply it frequently (use it in all of your first conversations with women in every situation unless you have nametags on).
If you DO have nametags, then you’ll have to open the conversation in a different way; no problem.
2. If you’re not interested in the woman you’re talking to you can:
A. Just have a normal, more “boring” conversation with her…
“So what do you like to do for fun? Oh cool…Where are you from? Interesting…” etc.
B. Practice some lines to see how they come off – see if you can make her laugh, practice banter, practice rapport-building where you ask her open-ended questions and let her talk a lot, etc.
Practice your skills so they’re sharp when you meet one you like.
Or, you can kind of do both.
For the ones you’re interested in:
3. Use a COLD READ sometime in your first interaction…
Instead of just asking her, “So, where are you from?” Say, “You’re from California, aren’t you?”
This is MUCH more interesting and fun than asking the same exact question…
Here’s how it works: If you’re correct, she’ll be amazed and want to know how you knew.
And if you’re wrong, she’ll want to know why you thought so.
She’s now going to be curious and want to get information from you…this is a subtle, small form of chasing you.
And that’s what we want: Her coming toward you.
4. Then, playfully tease her:
If she was like, “Yeah, I AM from Cali, how did you know?!”
You say, “Ah, well, you just have that Cali vibe going on a little bit haha.”
Then tease by saying, “You know what they say about Cali girls right?”
Or, “You’re not one of those Cali girls are you?”
On the other hand, if she’s like, “No, I’m from Nebraska…Wait, why did you think I’m from California?!”
You can also just tell her she has that Cali vibe going on a little bit for some reason.
Then say, “So, Nebraska, huh…You know what they say about girls from the Midwest…”
If she says, “What?! What do they say…?”
You say, “No no no, I can’t tell you haha…”
Then change the subject to something else.
Make sure you say the more challenging lines PLAYFULLY.
The key is to be silly and get her LAUGHING; not to put her down or take her down a peg.
And if she defends herself: “Nah, I’m not like most Cali girls, I promise!” etc. then you let it go: “Ah, that’s good to know haha” then move the conversation forward, “So, ….”
5. Try to get her to laugh, but not with self-deprecating humor.
The more laughing and talking SHE does, the better for you.
So, get some jokes in when you can.
And, instead of trying to tell her about all the awesome stuff about yourself, ask her open-ended questions and allow her to tell you all the awesome stuff about herself.
You’ll do MUCH better with this approach.
6. After you have a couple playful back-and-forths like the above with her (i.e. “You’re a lawyer, right?” / “You’re from Cali, aren’t you?”) and she is playful back with you, then QUALIFY HER and then start asking her open-ended questions and LET HER TALK A LOT!!!
QUALIFY HER: You seem pretty cool…
ASK HER AN OPEN-ENDED QUESTION: If you hit the lottery jackpot and never had to work again, what would you do then and why?
OR: Tell me one thing I wouldn’t know just by looking at you.
OR: Tell me one thing you secretly want to brag about.
OR, if you want to keep things PLAYFUL (this works really well, especially in a controlled situation like this with high tension), ask her this:
“(You seem pretty cool…) So, I have a very important question for you…if you could be any animal, what would you be and why?” <==I LOVE this one (telling her you have a very important question in a serious tone and then drop that playful question on her = gold; asking her what animal she would be and why is also gold – it’s playful and you’re getting to know her better at the same time).
You can even play a game with it…once she answers, ask her again:
“Okay, if you could be any other animal besides that one, what would you be and why?”
Then, when she answers, ask one last time: “Alright, last time I promise. If you could be any other animal than those two, what would you be and why?”
When she answers, say: “Okay awesome. Wanna know what that all means?”
HER: YES!!!
YOU: Alright, so, the first one is who you think you are…The second one is the way other people see you…And the last one is who you really are. Pretty cool right?
TRY TO PLAY ONE SMALL LITTLE WORD GAME LIKE THIS if you can.
It’s much better than all of the other conversations she’ll have there that evening, unless of course there’s another one of us on there haha. =)
Here’s another FUN question I like to ask (it implies lots of good things as well):
“Alright, so we’re going on a vacation together…where are you taking me?”
Try this one out.
7. AVOID these topics:
Religion…
Politics…
Sex…
Your issues and insecurities…
How you feel about her…
Etc.
Keep it LIGHT and FUN/PLAYFUL…these topics are serious and heavy. And love is light and playful; it’s not serious.
So don’t sink her interest in you by weighing it down with heavy or serious subjects.
If she brings up one of those topics, no problem. You can make a brief comment that shows you’re comfortable talking about absolutely anything; then lead the conversation in a better direction.
Keep it light/playful…
Tease her if you can…
Make her laugh but don’t be a clown…
Avoid serious subjects and…
LET
HER
TALK
She should be talking 60-80% of the time.
8. If it feels like pulling teeth to get her to talk because she’s not interested, just wait it out and restart the fun with the next one; don’t let it get you down.
Do something to reset/”cleanse your palate” in-between each conversation.
9. Since you’ll see each woman twice, you can try asking her, “So, on a scale of 9-10, how much did you miss me?” when you see her the second time…
This is funny because you just met and it’s only been a little while since you first talked to her. And, it frames her as the one interested in you.
Try it out if you want.
10. Alright, here’s some advanced thinking about this situation:
If the tables are close to each other and everyone can hear each other’s conversations, you’ll have to have more material prepared and change up what you talk about/your cold reads/how you tease/etc.
You don’t want the women to think you’re using the same “material” on all of them.
On the other hand, if the tables are far apart and nobody else can hear you, then you can be a lot more streamlined in your approach and just practice the same material that you feel good about on all of them and see how each one reacts.
There’s nothing wrong with always asking for her name, making a cold read (change this one up each time if you can anyway), qualifying, then asking the same exact open-ended question(s).
Feel the situation out and adjust – be prepared for both.
11. If you’re allowed to do it, if you’re interested in a woman, ASK FOR HER NUMBER before the end of your second conversation with her.*
A great time to do this is when you’re both laughing and “vibing” with each other…
You can just hand her your phone with the “add contact” screen open; she knows what to do.
*If you’re not at a speed dating event where you know you’ll talk with a woman again, ALWAYS ask for a woman’s number during your first conversation with her if you’re interested in her. Always.
BONUS: When she tells you her name, you can say, “Jenny? Hmmm…nah, you seem more like a (insert fun name here, i.e. Princess Ninja Pants or just another name, i.e. Marilyn)…I’m going to call you X for the rest of the night.” =)
If she protests, you can back off, “Haha, I was just joking around Jenny. That’s actually a really cool name…So, ……”
You can also guess funny professions when you make a cold read:
“You’re totally a spy aren’t you?! I knew this speed dating thing was a set-up! Well, listen, you’re not gonna get any secrets out of me so don’t even try…” 😉
Be playful and fun without being a clown and then ask her one of those open-ended questions so she feels like you know each other (a woman actually feels like she knows you better when SHE shares a lot of things about HERSELF vs. you telling her about yourself…ironic, I know, but this is actually true) and you’re going to do better than the average speed dater.
And, at the end of the day, it all comes down to FEMALE INTEREST…
If she likes you, she’ll help you…
And if she’s not interested, it doesn’t matter what you do.
So lean back (don’t lean in and out of the conversation) and try to enjoy it. And see if you can get the women to enjoy themselves too.
Alright, so that’s all for now…Here are a couple more articles and a YouTube video with more first date tips that you may or may not have seen already:
7 First Date Mistakes You Must Avoid
3 Simple Keys to a PERFECT Date
7 First Date Tips for Men – Avoid These 7 Common Mistakes [YouTube Presentation]
Alright sir, I sincerely hope this helps…
Report back on how it goes if you want.
And if you want to make sure you absolutely crush ALL of your first dates and give yourself the best possible chance of making it to that critical 3rd date with the right woman for you, then make sure you grab our FDG program right now if you haven’t already…
And, of course, if you want to have a happy, healthy long-term relationship with an awesome woman who’s truly right for you and who’s deeply in love with you without having to worry that she’ll fall out of love with you, leave you, or cheat on you at any point, grab our best selling Attract and Keep Her System right now.
Either way, I’ll be back with you soon…
Until Next Time,
Jim
Advanced Free Training:
Attract Women Without Words – Brad Pitt’s Body Language Secrets
How to Attract a Devoted Girlfriend or Wife – The Formula
How to Get Her Number and Text Her – Free E-Book
